Sunday, November 9, 2008

Gone Baby Gone

It starts almost immediately, but is gradual enough that you fail to notice the damage until you're in too deep to care. By bits and pieces you give more of yourself than you should, explain away behavior that should have been called out. You change small truths until they become big amorphous lies you tell yourself to hold on to that rare flutter of excitement and hope you felt within those first moments of electric, illicit kissing.

The pliable acquiescence you tell yourself is compromise eats away at your foundation,until the house of cards you have so meticulously built crumbles in a heap of self recrimination and regret. What ifs litter the floor like a slick new deck of playing cards, hopelessly boxed, with the queen of hearts face down on the carpet.

Is this the universal plight of all women who are still "out there", or simply my particular brand of self sabotage? Can it really be this difficult to navigate the murky waters of a modern day romance?

Probably not.

What this is, this anticlimactic quasi-humiliating silence, is nothing more than a case of unrealistic, uncommunicated expectations on my part, and a total lack of expectation on his. While far more likely, this truth leaves the more dramatic, Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet- part of my psyche in the dry dust of pragmatism. It's not even worth the bottle of wine and tear-jerker movie I have set aside for such contingencies.

It would be so easy to vilify this poor unsuspecting guy who did nothing more than take what was freely and enthusiastically offered. To place my anger and frustration at his feet would be vindictively satisfying; all my sisters, single and married alike, here in real life, and out there in blog land would rally around me with a resounding "Asshole!". But it would be unfair, and would ultimately leave me hollow and cold.

No, I find myself turning my angry gaze and clenched fists skyward, railing at the Universe, yelling and stomping my feet like a petulant child.I've been a good person, dammit! You couldn't throw me this one stinking bone?

All I got in reply was the night sky, and more silence.

28 comments:

Heather said...

No, you are not the cause. Do you know what you want? Have you started to make lists??

:) Also hugs.

Hanlie said...

Story of my life... By all means, try to lower your own expectations, but realize that until you meet "the one", things will never turn out well. Whatever your belief system, pray/ask/believe that the right man will arrive on the scene. Mine did and I have never looked back.

In the meantime, don't allow an asshole's actions to interfere with your selfworth! You're great!

Brandi Schaefer said...

You don`t deserve that and don`t worry karma is a bitch. That ass will get his. Thank you for all your sweet comments on my blog...your support really helped :)

we_be_toys said...

Okay, so you were impulsive and open to the experience, and he took what he could get. Why do we as women have to shoulder the blame of it not working out? You did everything humanly possible to express your interest in him, so whatever the deal is, it isn't your deal, I promise you. Guys - I don't hate them, but I get awfully tired of the Giant Baby aspect. They whine about how women make it so hard for guy to know whether or not they stand a chance (oh yes he did!) and then when they're offered an upfront invitation they balk and fade into the woodwork. I have no sympathy for their inability to see it through (in every sense - you get my drift!)and then blaming that inability on the poor woman who tried her heart out.
(Pause here for Tourette's rant about fickle POS excuses that try to pass as men...!)

bandick said...

Princess -- You're not just a good person; you're great. Don't ever doubt yourself.

I told my mom last night (five minutes before yet another dull first date) that I am really looking forward to the day when I just completely give up on dating altogether. Life will be much simpler then.

And, I agree with pickle 100% on the giant baby aspect.

Lara said...

He's an idiot.

derfina said...

Gawd. Doesn't it ACHE to have to look that closely at yourself?

I love your writing style, and your honesty.

Cammy said...

I'm so with you here. Why do we do this to ourselves? We want it, but don't give voice to it, and then we're hurt when he doesn't hear us. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. I hope you'll do the same. :)

But I still say he's an asshole. Just on general principle.

Barb said...

Your writing is so amazing ~ I feel your hurt and ache for you. I wish only good things in your future and can't wait to read all the beautiful things you will write.

Ben and Bennie said...

You are an amazing writer, Bea. I'm so very sorry you're hurting. And the fault is not yours alone. I do remember how so many guys used to act way back when.

thailandchani said...

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Being as I am very cynical about any relationship that starts with a romantic intention, I should keep my mouth shut - or my fingers off the keyboard, as the case may be.

I wish you peace,


~*

FairiesNest said...

yep, definitely an asshole...or at least an idiot. Big sloppy virtual hug heading your way!

Vodka Mom said...

Life's a banquet- you gotta eat, eat, eat. (Mame)
Wouldn't you rather experience and suffer, rather than do nothing and suffer? I am very proud of you for diving in the pool.

(Excellent, excellent post. as usual...)

Now, can we track the bastard down and shoot him?

Deb said...

I've tagged you with a pretty thought-provoking meme. Check it out.

http://sheddingmyfatsuitforever.blogspot.com/2008/11/ive-been-tagged.html

tysdaddy said...

This is such a beautiful and poetic sentence . . .

"While far more likely, this truth leaves the more dramatic, Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet- part of my psyche in the dry dust of pragmatism."

Hom, I'm wishing you the best as you wade through this . . .

Gypsy said...

I agree so much with vodka mom. You got out there to the banquet, baby. That's something. Yeah, so they were serving assholes instead of prince charmings, but dammit, you went.

And this was so wonderfully written. He obviously doesn't deserve someone as erudite and passionate and open as you are. So there. Consider yourself rallied around anyway.

Braja said...

Hey Chanda (means silver in Hindi, I think...unusual name, where'd you get it :)....now I have absolutely no idea how I found you here, no recollection of what I was doing when I stumbled onto you. But I like your writing. As for your current plight, my dear girl, is the Universe any more an appropriate candidate at whose feet to lay your troubles than the useless fool who took and took and gave nothing but misery? I don't think so...put something kinder out to the Universe, and it will respond in the same mood. Drop in on me...

Gwen said...

Urgh. I have so been there. It's easier, in a weird way, if you have somebody to blame, I think. The universe just isn't a satisfying substitute.

Pare said...

Oh, honey.

Beautifully, achingly written, though.

Dean said...

Suz and I went through a phase where my expectation of the relationship didn't match hers. She wanted light and fluffy, I wanted deep and meaningful. When I give myself, I offer everything I have. She didn't feel the same way - at least not at first. I'm not saying that I understand what you're going through. Nobody can understand that, but I can sympathize somewhat. For what it's worth, my thoughts go out to you.

This blog entry is beautifully written. It reminds me of a Hopper painting. It's not detail that makes Hopper great, but the way that he painted the space between the detail - the silence, anticipation and above all, emptiness.

The best illustration, whether poem, song or blog describes something completely. And your blog falls of the paper with nothing else to add.

Thanks for sharing.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm sorry, baby.

Katie said...

I found you through a friend... I can relate. I've been there. Time and time again.

I can't say I'm not sad that it never gets any easier.

I can say, for your sake and mine, I hope it has a purpose.

Jennifer H said...

I like what VodkaMom said, too. Better to remain open to something new, something good than not to try. I'm sorry this one didn't turn out so well.

You write beautifully.

gnomespeak said...

It takes balls, lady, to get out there. I'm sorry he was a dick.

Mojo said...

Yep. That resonates. Been there and back again. Twice. And finally decided that I have everything I need and most of what I want and anything beyond my camera, my pickup, and my dog is just too damn complicated.

Besides, nothing says, "It's all gonna be okay" like a cold, wet nose.

I hate it for ya all the same though.

JMarie said...

It's tough. It stinks. I know the feeling. But in there somewhere should be giving yourself credit for going after something you wanted...for seeing the potential for someone to be special..and giving him several chances to live up to it. Takes some guts girl! Let him ask the universe why couldn't he be a great guy..just once.

Violet said...

Much less beautifully, much less elegantly, but these were my thoughts last night. I am in the middle of a romance that thrills me and defeats me - often in the same day. I don't understand why it is so difficult when what I want is so simple.

I have decided (today) to give it to the powers that be and let them deal with it. Either it will turn out the way I want or it won't...I have just enough faith to know that however it turns out is the way it was meant to be.

I'm with VodkaMom, too - we have a choice: risk our hearts in the hope that we will find True Love or sit wrapped in a protective coccoon where we won't get hurt but love will never find us. I choose the risk.

Dean said...

Listening to an NPR do-dad on Muddy Waters I thought of this piece. He has a very popular jazz musician. Famous for pretty much inventing the electric guitar. Anyway, he was also quite the player. He cheated, lied and hurt everybody he loved. The interviewer from NPR asked his daughter why he did that. "He's just a man", she said. Dunno why, but I thought that was profound. Just a man. Am I just a man also?